Sunday, November 20, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Elect Me for President, 2012!
I was once asked “How much is one?” I went through the
motions of determining what was meant. After long deliberations with friends we
still had no answer. The answer was revealed to us to be “a multitude.” This
was an eye-opener for me and my friends. Ponder that, one is a multitude. What
does it mean to you?
WE THE PEOPLE ARE tired of the political discourse that has
swept the nation in the last two decades. The malcontent with the governing
powers that be is ripe with the stirrings of violent revolution!
In order to contain the mess that is US politics, a strong,
resounding resolution must be made to demonstrate to the world, our leaders and
ourselves that corruption of those that serve WE THE PEOPLE shall in nowise be
tolerated nor left to tarnish the remnants of the Old
Republic.
WE THE PEOPLE cannot stand idly by and witness the erosion
of our rights, dignity, strength, global influence and respect, financial
stability, hard work and honor.
Many's the time that we have fought for freedom from tyranny,
persecution, destruction and human kind's right to live. Now is the time to
fight once again for our right to live.
Our rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are
being sold to the current politicians in Washington!
Polling shows that most Americans feel the American Dream is lost. Politicians
exist to further the cause of the will of the people, not to further the cause
of their pocketbooks! WE THE PEOPLE are suffering!
Political corruption and immunity from bribery and forms of
political "insider trading" is the cause of the political climate it
is in its current form! This cannot be allowed to stand to fester in the bowels
of WE THE PEOPLE who work painstakingly hard to make this nation great. The
rumblings of our stomachs have little been heard and little has been done as a
redress of grievances to turn the course of this once-great working-man’s
nation.
The cries from the Tea Party and Occupy Wall Street protests
have little been heard by those in "power" over WE THE PEOPLE. Even
at the polls our governing body no longer trembles. They have divided the
people to right and left; pitted friends against friends and family against
family in the sake of gaining a stronger voter base.
The Patriot Act has made us safer by limiting personal privacy.
Unacceptable! The "hope and change" we received was not the
"hope and change" WE THE PEOPLE expected nor sought. Unacceptable!
WE THE PEOPLE seek an absolution that seems will not come.
The rule of the many over the few is what this nation started with. The rule of
the few over the many is what the nation currently has. This must change.
A politician worth voting for would propose most, if not
all, of the following:
1. Revert the "temporary" Federal Income Tax back to pre-WWII rates...0%. NO FEDERAL INCOME TAX! This will dissolve all current tax law such as exemptions. Keep the promise of a "temporary" tax.
2. Institute a 10% Federal Sales Tax. This is easy to calculate, equal, fair and proportional for every member of each class: poor, middle and wealthy. The wealthy tend to spend more so they inevitably will pay "more." The poor tend to spend less so they will inevitably pay "less.” The middle class tends to spend moderately and will inevitably pay "moderately.”
3. Put all politicians and government employees on a sliding pay scale with a wage equivalent to the average middle class income. This will encourage all politicians to appeal to the poor, middle class and wealthy. Politicians would need to appeal to the poor to pull them to the middle class. They would need to appeal to the middle class to encourage them to the upper middle class and wealthy, and they would need to encourage the wealthy to become wealthier. This encourages job and economic growth. This would be essential to increase their average income base. The end result is a growing middle and upper class with a shrinking lower class by encouraging, endorsing and campaigning for states to develop programs for the lower and middle classes to strive to achieve the diminishing American Dream.
4. Cap individual campaign spending/total contributions to $5 million, none of which can come from public funds, associations, companies or any place where fees, taxes, etc are collected from the general populace by the local, state or federal governments. This will ensure that all candidates that are qualified to run for office will run and not just those with that have money and influence. Also, no contributions from foreign nations/supporters. It is a US election, not a UN or global election.
1. Revert the "temporary" Federal Income Tax back to pre-WWII rates...0%. NO FEDERAL INCOME TAX! This will dissolve all current tax law such as exemptions. Keep the promise of a "temporary" tax.
2. Institute a 10% Federal Sales Tax. This is easy to calculate, equal, fair and proportional for every member of each class: poor, middle and wealthy. The wealthy tend to spend more so they inevitably will pay "more." The poor tend to spend less so they will inevitably pay "less.” The middle class tends to spend moderately and will inevitably pay "moderately.”
3. Put all politicians and government employees on a sliding pay scale with a wage equivalent to the average middle class income. This will encourage all politicians to appeal to the poor, middle class and wealthy. Politicians would need to appeal to the poor to pull them to the middle class. They would need to appeal to the middle class to encourage them to the upper middle class and wealthy, and they would need to encourage the wealthy to become wealthier. This encourages job and economic growth. This would be essential to increase their average income base. The end result is a growing middle and upper class with a shrinking lower class by encouraging, endorsing and campaigning for states to develop programs for the lower and middle classes to strive to achieve the diminishing American Dream.
4. Cap individual campaign spending/total contributions to $5 million, none of which can come from public funds, associations, companies or any place where fees, taxes, etc are collected from the general populace by the local, state or federal governments. This will ensure that all candidates that are qualified to run for office will run and not just those with that have money and influence. Also, no contributions from foreign nations/supporters. It is a US election, not a UN or global election.
"I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I
work the more I have of it." --Thomas Jefferson
5. Dissolve special interest groups and ban lobbyists at the federal level. This alone will save billions annually. Lobbyists and special interest groups should be at the state and local levels, not Federal. Programs such as Planned Parenthood should be state-run, not federally-run.
6. Let the states govern themselves as originally intended by the Framers of the Constitution. Limited Federal influence/regulation. Also calls for the dissolution of the Federal Reserve Bank as stated by Thomas Jefferson, "Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies."
7. Dissolve unions in the public sector and replace them with a federally/state regulated pay scale similar to how military pay is determined. There is no reason public jobs' pay should be negotiated; they should be automatically set and adjusted for inflation.
In 2010, approximately $4 billion was spent on midterm elections alone. In 2008, it was at $1.7 billion. This money is first, ill-spent, second comes from everywhere imaginable, including foreign nations/supporters, and third demonstrates this nation's lack of restraint. No nation would take us seriously spending/accumulating debt the way we do while claiming to be a wealthy nation.
At noon today, November, 16th 2011, the US has reached the $15 Trillion debt mark. No easy feat for the average Joe the Plumber, but a cake-walk for a US politician.
5. Dissolve special interest groups and ban lobbyists at the federal level. This alone will save billions annually. Lobbyists and special interest groups should be at the state and local levels, not Federal. Programs such as Planned Parenthood should be state-run, not federally-run.
6. Let the states govern themselves as originally intended by the Framers of the Constitution. Limited Federal influence/regulation. Also calls for the dissolution of the Federal Reserve Bank as stated by Thomas Jefferson, "Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies."
7. Dissolve unions in the public sector and replace them with a federally/state regulated pay scale similar to how military pay is determined. There is no reason public jobs' pay should be negotiated; they should be automatically set and adjusted for inflation.
In 2010, approximately $4 billion was spent on midterm elections alone. In 2008, it was at $1.7 billion. This money is first, ill-spent, second comes from everywhere imaginable, including foreign nations/supporters, and third demonstrates this nation's lack of restraint. No nation would take us seriously spending/accumulating debt the way we do while claiming to be a wealthy nation.
At noon today, November, 16th 2011, the US has reached the $15 Trillion debt mark. No easy feat for the average Joe the Plumber, but a cake-walk for a US politician.
WE THE PEOPLE need to thwart corruption and greed. The problem is that those negative aspects of society are always present and are as old as time. What WE THE PEOPLE can do is limit their influence and impact. To do so we need to exploit these negatives with a solid checks and balance system as has been outlined here, primarily with the politician floating pay scale and special interest groups/lobbyist dissolution.
"The central bank is an institution of the most deadly hostility existing against the Principles and form of our Constitution. I am an Enemy to all banks discounting bills or notes for anything but Coin. If the American People allow private banks to control the issuance of their currency, first by inflation and then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around them will deprive the People of all their Property until their Children will wake up homeless on the continent their Fathers conquered."
--Thomas Jefferson
This is the “hope and change” WE THE PEOPLE need and seek!
This is the privacy and protections WE THE PEOPLE SEEK! This is the nation WE
THE PEOPLE expect and will have! This is the transparency that WE THE PEOPLE
demand!
This coming election they will tremble at the
sound of our pens! Vote in every election! WE THE PEOPLE must regain control of
our government! WE THE PEOPLE are one voice, one body, one mind, and one soul
vying for the heart of American ingenuity, stability and freedom!
We cannot fail, we cannot stray, we cannot allow these
corrupt politicians to destroy what has lasted for centuries for a fracture in
time’s worth of personal gain while neglecting the gain WE THE PEOPLE and WE
THE FUTURE PEOPLE desire.
Start with one….make it a multitude!
Monday, October 10, 2011
Iran actress sentenced to one year in jail
The scope of Islamic extremism. They may be called "conservative" but this level of "conservatism" is way beyond what Americans call "conservative."
The story:
Actress Marzieh
Vafamehr has been sentenced to a year in jail and 90 lashes for her
role in a film about the limits imposed on artists in the Islamic
republic, an Iranian opposition website reported Sunday.
"A verdict has been issued for Marzieh Vafamehr, sentencing her to a year in jail and 90 lashes," Kalameh.com reported.
"Her lawyer has appealed the
sentence, which was handed down yesterday (Saturday)," the report added,
without giving further details.
Vafamehr was arrested in July after appearing in "My Tehran for Sale," which came under harsh criticism in conservative circles.
The film, produced in collaboration
with Australia, tells the story of a young actress in Tehran whose
theatre work is banned by the authorities. She is then forced to lead a
secret life in order to express herself artistically.
The Fars news agency said the movie
had not been approved for screening in Iran and was being distributed
in the country illegally.
Vafamehr was released in late July after posting unspecified bail.
http://news.yahoo.com/iran-actress-sentenced-one-jail-report-191536998.html
Monday, September 26, 2011
K-9 helps run down wanted gang member; parolee nabbed after Redding chase
NOTE: THIS ARTICLE IS BEING REPRESENTED AS PART OF MY PORTFOLIO AS I TOOK THE ONLY PHOTO OF THE INCIDENT AND AM ACCOMPANYING MY PHOTO WITH THE ARTICLE FOR CONTEXT. ALL OTHER RIGHTS RESERVED TO THE AUTHOR OF THE ARTICLE RYAN SABALOW.
Paillon is a documented gang member out of Orland.
Redding police officers arrest Brandon Scott
Paillon, 24, of Redding, who allegedly ran from them Friday afternoon.
Paillon was reportedly a wanted parolee.
Photo by Clayton Campbell
Investigator Will Williams said officers were called to an apartment on the 3600 block of Churn Creek Road to investigate a report of a family with small children living without electricity.
When officers arrived, parolee Brandon Scott Paillon, 24, of Redding, ran out the back of the apartment with a 16-year-old girl, who Williams said had earlier run away from home. Paillon is a documented gang member out of Orland, Williams said.
Paillon ran from Churn Creek Road to I-5. At about 11:30 a.m., he was spotted running northbound near Cypress Avenue.
"Enterprise High School, Parsons Middle School, and Rother Elementary were placed into a lockdown status by school resource officers within minutes," Williams said.
A CHP helicopter hovered overhead looking for the suspect.
Around noon, Clayton Campbell snapped a photo of Paillon being arrested near Subarama on Hilltop Drive, after the parolee was bitten and nabbed by the dog that chased him into some bushes.
Campbell described the scene as "quite an event."
"He was bloodied and a mess," Campbell, 28, said. "I saw four other officers exiting the brush behind the chain-link fence off I-5. They hurried him to the squad car."
Paillon was treated at a hospital and booked into the Shasta County jail.
http://www.redding.com/news/2011/aug/27/k-9-helps-run-down-wanted-gang-member/
Debt Crisis: The True Patriot's Solution!
"The Constitution of most
of our states (and of the United States) assert that all power is
inherent in the people; that they may exercise it by themselves; that
it is their right and duty to be at all times armed and that they are
entitled to freedom of person, freedom of religion, freedom of
property, and freedom of press"
--Thomas Jefferson
The wealthy are not the problem! Politicians are the problem. Wouldn't it be great to vote yourself a raise, bonus, benefits like special healthcare, retirement, etc that politicians get to and all at the expense of someone else like tax payers?
A politician worth voting for would propose most, if not all, of the following:
1. Revert the "temporary" Federal Income Tax back to pre-WWII rates...0%. NO FEDERAL INCOME TAX! This will dissolve all current tax law such as exemptions, incentives, etc. Keep the promise of a "temporary" tax.
2. Institute a 10% Federal Sales Tax. This is easy to calculate, equal, fair and proportional for every member of each class: poor, middle and wealthy. The wealthy tend to spend more so they inevitably will pay "more" because they spend more. The poor tend to spend less so they will inevitably pay "less" because the spend less. The middle class tends to spend moderately and will inevitably pay "moderately" because they spend moderately.
3. Put all politicians on a sliding pay scale with a wage equivalent to the average middle class income. This will encourage all politicians to appeal to the poor, middle class and wealthy. Politicians would need to appeal to the poor to pull them to the middle class. They would need to appeal to the middle class to encourage them to the upper middle class and wealthy, and they would need to encourage the wealthy to become wealthier. This encourages job and economic growth. This would be essential to increase their average income base.the end result is a growing middle and upper class with a shrinking lower class by encouraging, endorsing and campaigning for states to develop programs for the lower and middle classes to strive to achieve the American Dream.
4. Cap individual campaign spending/total contributions to $5 million, none of which can come from public funds, associations, companies or any place where fees, taxes, etc are collected from the general populace by the local, state or federal governments. This will ensure that all candidates that are qualified to run for office will run and not just those with that have money and influence. Also, no contributions from foreign nations/supporters. It is a US election, not a UN election. "I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it." --Thomas Jefferson
5. Dissolve special interest groups and ban lobbyists at the federal level. This alone will save billions annually. Lobbyists and special interest groups should be at the state and local levels, not Federal. Programs such as Planned Parenthood should be state-run, not federally-run.
6. Let the states govern themselves as originally intended by the Framers of the Constitution. Limited Federal influence/regulation. Also calls for the dissolution of the Federal Reserve Bank as stated by Thomas Jefferson, "Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies."
7. Dissolve unions in the public sector and replace them with a federally/state regulated pay scale similar to how military pay is determined. There is no reason public jobs' pay should be negotiated; they should be automatically set.
In 2010, approximately $4 billion was spent on midterm elections alone. In 2008, it was at $1.7 billion. This money is first, ill-spent, second comes from everywhere imaginable, including foreign nations/supporters, and third demonstrates this nation's lack of restraint. No nation would take us seriously spending/accumulating debt the way we do while claiming to be a wealthy nation.
We as a nation and as human beings try to thwart corruption and greed. The problem is that those negative aspects of society are always present and are as old as time. What we can do is limit their influence and impact. To do so we need to exploit these negatives with a solid checks and balance system as has been outlined here, primarily with the politician floating pay scale and special interest groups/lobbyist dissolution.
"The central bank is an institution of the most deadly hostility existing against the Principles and form of our Constitution. I am an Enemy to all banks discounting bills or notes for anything but Coin. If the American People allow private banks to control the issuance of their currency, first by inflation and then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around them will deprive the People of all their Property until their Children will wake up homeless on the continent their Fathers conquered."
--Thomas Jefferson
--Thomas Jefferson
The wealthy are not the problem! Politicians are the problem. Wouldn't it be great to vote yourself a raise, bonus, benefits like special healthcare, retirement, etc that politicians get to and all at the expense of someone else like tax payers?
A politician worth voting for would propose most, if not all, of the following:
1. Revert the "temporary" Federal Income Tax back to pre-WWII rates...0%. NO FEDERAL INCOME TAX! This will dissolve all current tax law such as exemptions, incentives, etc. Keep the promise of a "temporary" tax.
2. Institute a 10% Federal Sales Tax. This is easy to calculate, equal, fair and proportional for every member of each class: poor, middle and wealthy. The wealthy tend to spend more so they inevitably will pay "more" because they spend more. The poor tend to spend less so they will inevitably pay "less" because the spend less. The middle class tends to spend moderately and will inevitably pay "moderately" because they spend moderately.
3. Put all politicians on a sliding pay scale with a wage equivalent to the average middle class income. This will encourage all politicians to appeal to the poor, middle class and wealthy. Politicians would need to appeal to the poor to pull them to the middle class. They would need to appeal to the middle class to encourage them to the upper middle class and wealthy, and they would need to encourage the wealthy to become wealthier. This encourages job and economic growth. This would be essential to increase their average income base.the end result is a growing middle and upper class with a shrinking lower class by encouraging, endorsing and campaigning for states to develop programs for the lower and middle classes to strive to achieve the American Dream.
4. Cap individual campaign spending/total contributions to $5 million, none of which can come from public funds, associations, companies or any place where fees, taxes, etc are collected from the general populace by the local, state or federal governments. This will ensure that all candidates that are qualified to run for office will run and not just those with that have money and influence. Also, no contributions from foreign nations/supporters. It is a US election, not a UN election. "I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it." --Thomas Jefferson
5. Dissolve special interest groups and ban lobbyists at the federal level. This alone will save billions annually. Lobbyists and special interest groups should be at the state and local levels, not Federal. Programs such as Planned Parenthood should be state-run, not federally-run.
6. Let the states govern themselves as originally intended by the Framers of the Constitution. Limited Federal influence/regulation. Also calls for the dissolution of the Federal Reserve Bank as stated by Thomas Jefferson, "Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies."
7. Dissolve unions in the public sector and replace them with a federally/state regulated pay scale similar to how military pay is determined. There is no reason public jobs' pay should be negotiated; they should be automatically set.
In 2010, approximately $4 billion was spent on midterm elections alone. In 2008, it was at $1.7 billion. This money is first, ill-spent, second comes from everywhere imaginable, including foreign nations/supporters, and third demonstrates this nation's lack of restraint. No nation would take us seriously spending/accumulating debt the way we do while claiming to be a wealthy nation.
We as a nation and as human beings try to thwart corruption and greed. The problem is that those negative aspects of society are always present and are as old as time. What we can do is limit their influence and impact. To do so we need to exploit these negatives with a solid checks and balance system as has been outlined here, primarily with the politician floating pay scale and special interest groups/lobbyist dissolution.
"The central bank is an institution of the most deadly hostility existing against the Principles and form of our Constitution. I am an Enemy to all banks discounting bills or notes for anything but Coin. If the American People allow private banks to control the issuance of their currency, first by inflation and then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around them will deprive the People of all their Property until their Children will wake up homeless on the continent their Fathers conquered."
--Thomas Jefferson
Monday, June 13, 2011
FBI Goes Too Far!
As of June 13, 2011, the FBI has rewritten its own rulebook, granting itself higher powers for investigative and intelligence gathering purposes. Many privacy activists insist the agency has gone way too far in its quest to deter and/or catch terrorists and criminals.
Some of the new guidelines include:
Undocumented database searches – Agents no longer need to officially open “assessment inquiries.” They can just search any and all databases and collect personal information without discretion. Issues with this include using this information for personal use as well as misconstruing the data collected to fit a criminal profile.
Lie-detector tests – no longer just used on suspects under an open "preliminary investigation assessment" for those suspected of wrongdoing. It is now open to potential FBI informants in an investigation that is considered an assessment, regardless of suspected wrongdoing.
Trash searches – Agents are now authorized, like police officers, to search trash cans in front of a suspect’s (or anyone’s) residence provided it is on public property for assessment and because agents want the ability to use the information collected to put pressure on the person to assist the government in the investigation of others. An issue with this is collecting information from one neighbor to spy on another neighbor.
Surveillance squads – Agents are now authorized to use multiple squads in an assessment of a suspect, but places limits on time on physical surveillance.
"Undisclosed participation" in organizations – Special rules governing agents' and informants' attendance of meetings and secret involvement in organizations in which they are collecting information haven't been made public as of yet, though the new rules do state that agents or informants can unreservedly attend five meetings of an organization in question before the undisclosed rules apply. Meaning, the new person you see at church could be an FBI agent.
Authorizing informants at religious ceremonies – "Currently, a special agent in charge of a field office can delegate the authority to approve sending an informant to a religious service. The new manual will require such officials to handle those decisions personally." This, to many, is an infringement on the separation of church and state and a violation of the Establishment clause of the First Amendment.
Investigating public officials – Now, agents can perform investigations into public officials, if the official in question is a victim or a witness as opposed to a target of an investigation, the additional oversight won't be called for. "Also excluded from extra supervision will be investigations of low- and midlevel officials for activities unrelated to their position — like drug cases as opposed to corruption, for example."
Investigating scholars and members of the news media – Agents are now authorized to make a distinction between bloggers as members of the press: "Prominent bloggers would count, but not people who have low-profile blogs," but the details of the distinctions are unknown. Also a newly-allowed guideline is to "limit academic protections only to scholars who work for institutions based in the United States." The issue here is that those American institutions out of the U.S. are without this limitation and are subject to federal investigation. This monitoring of the media can also be construed as an infringement on the First Amendment’s freedom of press.
The government is becoming too big. We are too secure for our own good. The power needs to be given back to individual states. One agency, like the FBI, should not have omnipotent power to do whatever IT deems necessary to put an end to anything. Those persons and institutions that disregard the Constitution and the rights and protections it instills and shields should be removed from government function!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Wave Energy
Key facts
Client:
South East Regional Development Agency
Country:
United Kingdom
Date:
2009
Wave Hub could generate enough electricity for 7,500 homes, directly saving 300,000 tonnes of carbon dioxide over 25 years.
The sea is among clean renewable energy sources now being tested in anger since the Kyoto agreement came into force in 2005.
Waves generate more energy than wind but the problem is that it currently costs more to capture it – partly because it is a newer technology.
Machines capable of harnessing wave energy need to be connected to an electricity grid, with the associated costs and technical challenges of both offshore cables and onshore capacity for this high voltage infrastructure.
Not all coastal areas have sufficient wave power, nor sufficient access to the onshore grid to make them viable. However, just as the cost of wind power has fallen dramatically over the last 20 years so wave energy costs are expected to fall over time. Australia, Hawaii, Portugal, the UK and the US are among countries trying it out.
The UK's South West Regional Development Agency has been working with Halcrow since 2003 to develop a scheme to provide an underwater offshore connection to the National Grid at Hayle near St Ives in Cornwall.
The connection is 16km offshore, in 50m depth of water. It will allow floating arrays of up to 4 different types of wave energy converter devices to be connected at any one time. This is a demonstration project, providing the vital link between prototype development and full commercial viability.
The infrastructure involves the sub-station building at Hayle adjacent to a connection point to the distribution network. From there, a cable will be taken through a duct beneath the sand dunes and then across the sea bed to an eight square kilometre area within which the devices will be moored.
Consent for the scheme was announced by Dti and Defra in September 2007, following an application made in June 2006. The supporting environmental statement is available from the wave hub website (see link provided). The current programme shows the appointment of a contractor in Spring 2008, followed by detailed design, materials pre-order and off-site fabrication. On-site works are scheduled for the summer 2009, with planned commissioning in late 2009.
Benefits
Wave Hub could generate enough electricity for 7,500 homes, directly saving 300,000 tonnes of carbon dioxide over 25 years. This would support South West England's target for generating 15% of the region's power from renewable sources by 2010.
Innovations
This is a groundbreaking renewable energy project in the South West of England that aims to create the UK's first offshore facility for the demonstration and proving of the operation of arrays of wave energy generation devices. As well as the conceptual design, Halcrow selected a suitable location and is assessing the scheme's financial and technical feasibility.
Client:
South East Regional Development Agency
Country:
United Kingdom
Date:
2009
Wave Hub could generate enough electricity for 7,500 homes, directly saving 300,000 tonnes of carbon dioxide over 25 years.
The sea is among clean renewable energy sources now being tested in anger since the Kyoto agreement came into force in 2005.
Waves generate more energy than wind but the problem is that it currently costs more to capture it – partly because it is a newer technology.
Machines capable of harnessing wave energy need to be connected to an electricity grid, with the associated costs and technical challenges of both offshore cables and onshore capacity for this high voltage infrastructure.
Not all coastal areas have sufficient wave power, nor sufficient access to the onshore grid to make them viable. However, just as the cost of wind power has fallen dramatically over the last 20 years so wave energy costs are expected to fall over time. Australia, Hawaii, Portugal, the UK and the US are among countries trying it out.
The UK's South West Regional Development Agency has been working with Halcrow since 2003 to develop a scheme to provide an underwater offshore connection to the National Grid at Hayle near St Ives in Cornwall.
The connection is 16km offshore, in 50m depth of water. It will allow floating arrays of up to 4 different types of wave energy converter devices to be connected at any one time. This is a demonstration project, providing the vital link between prototype development and full commercial viability.
The infrastructure involves the sub-station building at Hayle adjacent to a connection point to the distribution network. From there, a cable will be taken through a duct beneath the sand dunes and then across the sea bed to an eight square kilometre area within which the devices will be moored.
Consent for the scheme was announced by Dti and Defra in September 2007, following an application made in June 2006. The supporting environmental statement is available from the wave hub website (see link provided). The current programme shows the appointment of a contractor in Spring 2008, followed by detailed design, materials pre-order and off-site fabrication. On-site works are scheduled for the summer 2009, with planned commissioning in late 2009.
Benefits
Wave Hub could generate enough electricity for 7,500 homes, directly saving 300,000 tonnes of carbon dioxide over 25 years. This would support South West England's target for generating 15% of the region's power from renewable sources by 2010.
Innovations
This is a groundbreaking renewable energy project in the South West of England that aims to create the UK's first offshore facility for the demonstration and proving of the operation of arrays of wave energy generation devices. As well as the conceptual design, Halcrow selected a suitable location and is assessing the scheme's financial and technical feasibility.
Friday, June 3, 2011
The Religion of Peace
Quran
2:190: "Fight in the way of Allah those who fight you but do not transgress. Indeed. Allah does not like transgressors."
2:191: "And kill them wherever you overtake them and expel them from wherever they have expelled you, and fitnah is worse than killing. And do not fight them at al-Masjid al- Haram until they fight you there. But if they fight you, then kill them. Such is the recompense of the disbelievers."
2:192: "And if they cease, then indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful."
2:193: "Fight them until there is no [more] fitnah and [until] worship is [acknowledged to be] for Allah . But if they cease, then there is to be no aggression except against the oppressors."
5:51: "You who believe, do not take the Jews and Christians as allies:they are allies only to each other. Anyone who takes them as an ally becomes one of them - God does not guide such wrongdoers."
Quran 2:244 - "Then fight in the cause of Allah, and know that Allah Heareth and knoweth all things."
Quran 2:216 - "Fighting is prescribed for you, and ye dislike it. But it is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you, and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knoweth, and ye know
not."
Quran 3:56 - "As to those who reject faith, I will punish them with terrible agony in this world and in the Hereafter, nor will they have anyone to help."
Quran 3:151 - "Soon shall We cast terror into the hearts of the Unbelievers, for that they joined companions with Allah, for which He had sent no authority".
Quran 4:74 - "Let those fight in the way of Allah who sell the life of this world for the other. Whoso fighteth in the way of Allah, be he slain or be he victorious, on him We shall bestow a vast reward."
Quran 4:76 - "Those who believe fight in the cause of Allah…"
Quran 4:89 - "They but wish that ye should reject Faith, as they do, and thus be on the same footing: But take not friends from their ranks until they flee in the way of Allah. But if they turn renegades, seize
them and slay them wherever ye find them; and take no friends or helpers from their ranks."
Quran 4:95 - "Not equal are those believers who sit and receive no hurt, and those who strive and fight in the cause of Allah with their goods and their persons. Allah hath granted a grade higher to those who strive and fight with their goods and persons than to those who sit. Unto all Hath Allah promised good: But those who strive and fight Hath He distinguished above those who sit by a special reward,"
Quran 4:104 - "And be not weak hearted in pursuit of the enemy; if you suffer pain, then surely they (too) suffer pain as you suffer pain..."
Quran 5:33 - "The punishment of those who wage war against Allah and His messenger and strive to make mischief in the land is only this, that they should be murdered or crucified or their hands and their feet should be cut off on opposite sides or they should be imprisoned; this shall be as a disgrace for them in this world, and in the hereafter they shall have a grievous chastisement."
Quran 5:51 "You who believe, do not take the Jews and Christians as allies:they are allies only to each other. Anyone who takes them as an ally becomes one of them- God does not guide such wrongdoers."
Quran 8:12 - "I will cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. Therefore strike off their heads and strike off every fingertip of them" No reasonable person would interpret this to mean a spiritual struggle.
Quran 8:15 - "O ye who believe! When ye meet those who disbelieve in battle, turn not your backs to them. Whoso on that day turneth his back to them, unless maneuvering for battle or intent to join a company, he truly hath incurred wrath from Allah, and his habitation will be hell, a hapless journey's end."
Quran 8:39 - "And fight with them until there is no more persecution and religion should be only for Allah"
Quran 8:57 - "If thou comest on them in the war, deal with them so as to strike fear in those who are behind them, that haply they may remember."
Quran 8:59-60 - "And let not those who disbelieve suppose that they can outstrip (Allah's Purpose). Lo! they cannot escape. Make ready for them all thou canst of force and of horses tethered, that thereby
ye may dismay the enemy of Allah and your enemy."
Quran 8:65 - "O Prophet! Exhort the believers to fight. If there be of you twenty steadfast they shall overcome two hundred, and if there be of you a hundred steadfast they shall overcome a thousand of those who disbelieve, because they the disbelievers are a folk without intelligence."
Quran 9:5 - "So when the sacred months have passed away, then slay the idolaters wherever you find them, and take them captives and besiege them and lie in wait for them in every ambush, then if they repent and
keep up prayer and pay the poor-rate, leave their way free to them."
Quran 9:14 - "You shall fight them, for Allah will punish them at your hands, humiliate them, grant you victory over them, and cool the chests of the believers.
Quran 9:20 - "Those who believe, and have left their homes and striven with their wealth and their lives in Allah's way are of much greater worth in Allah's sight. These are they who are triumphant."
Quran 9:29 - "Fight those who believe not in Allah nor the Last Day, nor hold that forbidden which hath been forbidden by Allah and His Messenger, nor acknowledge the religion of Truth, (even if they are)
of the People of the Book, until they pay the Jizya with willing submission, and feel themselves subdued."
Quran 9:30 - "And the Jews say: Ezra is the son of Allah; and the Christians say: The Messiah is the son of Allah; these are the words of their mouths; they imitate the saying of those who disbelieved before; may Allah destroy them; how they are turned away!"
Quran 9:38-39 - "O ye who believe! what is the matter with you, that, when ye are asked to go forth in the cause of Allah, ye cling heavily to the earth? Do ye prefer the life of this world to the Hereafter? But little is the comfort of this life, as compared with the Hereafter. Unless ye go forth, He will punish you with a grievous penalty, and put others in your place."
Quran 9:41 - "Go forth, light-armed and heavy-armed, and strive with your wealth and your lives in the way of Allah! That is best for you if ye but knew."
Quran 9:42 - "If there had been immediate gain (in sight), and the journey easy, they would (all) without doubt have followed thee, but the distance was long, (and weighed) on them"
Quran 9:73 - "O Prophet! strive hard against the unbelievers and the hypocrites and be unyielding to them; and their abode is hell, and evil is the destination."
Quran 9:88 - "But the Messenger, and those who believe with him, strive and fight with their wealth and their persons: for them are good things: and it is they who will prosper."
Quran 9:111 - "Allah hath purchased of the believers their persons and their goods; for theirs (in return) is the garden (of Paradise): they fight in His cause, and slay and are slain: a promise binding on Him in truth, through the Law, the Gospel, and the Quran: and who is more faithful to his covenant than Allah? then rejoice in the bargain which ye have concluded: that is the achievement supreme."
Quran 9:123 - "O you who believe! fight those of the unbelievers who are near to you and let them find in you hardness."
Quran 21:44 - "We gave the good things of this life to these men and their fathers until the period grew long for them; See they not that We gradually reduce the land (in their control) from its outlying borders? Is it then they who will win?"
Quran 25:52 - "So do not obey the disbelievers, and strive against them with the Qur'an a great striving."
Quran 33:60-62 - "If the hypocrites, and those in whose hearts is a disease, and the alarmists in the city do not cease, We verily shall urge thee on against them, then they will be your neighbors in it but a little while. Accursed, they will be seized wherever found and slain with a (fierce) slaughter."
Quran 47:3-4 - "Those who reject Allah follow vanities, while those who believe follow the truth from their lord. Thus does Allah set forth form men their lessons by similtudes. Therefore when you meet
in battle those who disbelieve, then smite the necks until when you have overcome them, then make (them) prisoners... But if it had been Allah's Will, He could certainly have exacted retribution from them (Himself); but in order to test you, some with others. But those who are slain in the Way of Allah,- He
will never let their deeds be lost."
Quran 47:35 - "Be not weary and faint-hearted, crying for peace, when ye should be uppermost for Allah is
with you,"
Quran 48:17 - "There is no blame for the blind, nor is there blame for the lame, nor is there blame for the sick. And whoso obeyeth Allah and His messenger, He will make him enter Gardens underneath which rivers flow; and whoso turneth back, him will He punish with a painful doom."
Quran 48:29 - "Muhammad is the messenger of Allah. And those with him are hard (ruthless) against the disbelievers and merciful among themselves" Islam is not about treating everyone equally. There are
two very distinct standards that are applied based on religious status.
Quran 61:4 - "Surely Allah loves those who fight in His way"
Quran 61:10-12 - "O ye who believe! Shall I lead you to a bargain that will save you from a grievous Penalty?- That ye believe in Allah and His Messenger, and that ye strive (your utmost) in the Cause of Allah, with your property and your persons: That will be best for you, if ye but knew! He will forgive you your sins, and admit you to Gardens beneath which Rivers flow, and to beautiful mansions in Gardens of
Eternity."
Quran 66:9 - "O Prophet! Strive against the disbelievers and the hypocrites, and be stern with them. Hell will be their home, a hapless journey's end."
From the Hadith:
Bukhari 52:177 - Allah's Apostle said, "The Hour will not be established until you fight with the Jews, and the stone behind which a Jew will be hiding will say. "O Muslim! There is a Jew hiding behind me, so kill him."
Bukhari 52:220 - Allah's Apostle said... 'I have been made victorious with terror.'
Abu Dawud 14:2526 - The Prophet said: Three things are the roots of faith: to refrain from (killing) a person who utters, "There is no god but Allah" and not to declare him unbeliever whatever sin he commits,
and not to excommunicate him from Islam for his any action; and jihad will be performed continuously since the day Allah sent me as a prophet until the day the last member of my community will fight with
the Dajjal (Antichrist).
Abu Dawud 14:2527 - The Prophet said: Striving in the path of Allah is incumbent on you along with every ruler, whether he is pious or impious.
Muslim 1:33 - the Messenger of Allah said: I have been commanded to fight against people till they testify that there is no god but Allah, that Muhammad is the messenger of Allah.
Bukhari 8:387 - Allah's Apostle said, "I have been ordered to fight the people till they say: 'None has the right to be worshipped but Allah.
Muslim 1:149 - "Abu Dharr reported: I said: Messenger of Allah, which of the deeds is the best? He (the Holy Prophet) replied: Belief in Allah and Jihad in His cause..."
Muslim 20:4645 - "...He (the Messenger of Allah) did that and said: There is another act which elevates the position of a man in Paradise to a grade one hundred , and the elevation between one grade and the
other is equal to the height of the heaven from the earth. He (Abu Sa'id) said: What is that act? He replied: Jihad in the way of Allah! Jihad in the way of Allah!"
Muslim 20:4696 - "the Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) said: 'One who died but did not fight in the way of Allah nor did he express any desire (or determination) for Jihid died the death of a hypocrite.'"
Muslim 19:4321-4323 - Three separate hadith in which Muhammad shrugs over the news that innocent children were killed in a raid by his men against unbelievers. His response: "They are of them (meaning the enemy)."
Muslim 7:97 The morning after the murder of Ashraf, the Prophet declared, "Kill any Jew who falls under your power." Ashraf was a poet, killed by Muhammad's men because he insulted Islam. Here, Muhammad widens the scope of his orders to kill. An innocent Jewish businessman was then slain by his Muslim partner, merely for being non-Muslim.
Tabari 9:69 "Killing Unbelievers is a small matter to us."
Ibn Ishaq: 327 - “Allah said, ‘A prophet must slaughter before collecting captives. A slaughtered enemy is driven from the land. Muhammad, you craved the desires of this world, its goods and the ransom captives would bring. But Allah desires killing them to manifest the religion.’”
Ibn Ishaq: 992 - "Fight everyone in the way of Allah and kill those who disbelieve in Allah."
On Women...
Quran- 4:15 “If any of your women are guilty of lewdness, take the evidence of four (reliable) witness from amongst you against them; if they testify, confine them to houses until death do claim them. Or God
ordain for them some (other) way.”
Quran-24:2 “The woman and the man guilty of adultery or fornication—flog each of them with hundred stripes: Let no compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by God, if ye believe in God and
the last day.”
Quran-17:32 “ Nor come nigh to adultery: for it is a shameful (deed) and an evil, opening the road (to other evils).
Quran-33:33 “stay quietly in your houses, and make not a dazzling display.”
Hmmm....
But remember it is the religion of peace.
2:190: "Fight in the way of Allah those who fight you but do not transgress. Indeed. Allah does not like transgressors."
2:191: "And kill them wherever you overtake them and expel them from wherever they have expelled you, and fitnah is worse than killing. And do not fight them at al-Masjid al- Haram until they fight you there. But if they fight you, then kill them. Such is the recompense of the disbelievers."
2:192: "And if they cease, then indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful."
2:193: "Fight them until there is no [more] fitnah and [until] worship is [acknowledged to be] for Allah . But if they cease, then there is to be no aggression except against the oppressors."
5:51: "You who believe, do not take the Jews and Christians as allies:they are allies only to each other. Anyone who takes them as an ally becomes one of them - God does not guide such wrongdoers."
Quran 2:244 - "Then fight in the cause of Allah, and know that Allah Heareth and knoweth all things."
Quran 2:216 - "Fighting is prescribed for you, and ye dislike it. But it is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you, and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knoweth, and ye know
not."
Quran 3:56 - "As to those who reject faith, I will punish them with terrible agony in this world and in the Hereafter, nor will they have anyone to help."
Quran 3:151 - "Soon shall We cast terror into the hearts of the Unbelievers, for that they joined companions with Allah, for which He had sent no authority".
Quran 4:74 - "Let those fight in the way of Allah who sell the life of this world for the other. Whoso fighteth in the way of Allah, be he slain or be he victorious, on him We shall bestow a vast reward."
Quran 4:76 - "Those who believe fight in the cause of Allah…"
Quran 4:89 - "They but wish that ye should reject Faith, as they do, and thus be on the same footing: But take not friends from their ranks until they flee in the way of Allah. But if they turn renegades, seize
them and slay them wherever ye find them; and take no friends or helpers from their ranks."
Quran 4:95 - "Not equal are those believers who sit and receive no hurt, and those who strive and fight in the cause of Allah with their goods and their persons. Allah hath granted a grade higher to those who strive and fight with their goods and persons than to those who sit. Unto all Hath Allah promised good: But those who strive and fight Hath He distinguished above those who sit by a special reward,"
Quran 4:104 - "And be not weak hearted in pursuit of the enemy; if you suffer pain, then surely they (too) suffer pain as you suffer pain..."
Quran 5:33 - "The punishment of those who wage war against Allah and His messenger and strive to make mischief in the land is only this, that they should be murdered or crucified or their hands and their feet should be cut off on opposite sides or they should be imprisoned; this shall be as a disgrace for them in this world, and in the hereafter they shall have a grievous chastisement."
Quran 5:51 "You who believe, do not take the Jews and Christians as allies:they are allies only to each other. Anyone who takes them as an ally becomes one of them- God does not guide such wrongdoers."
Quran 8:12 - "I will cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. Therefore strike off their heads and strike off every fingertip of them" No reasonable person would interpret this to mean a spiritual struggle.
Quran 8:15 - "O ye who believe! When ye meet those who disbelieve in battle, turn not your backs to them. Whoso on that day turneth his back to them, unless maneuvering for battle or intent to join a company, he truly hath incurred wrath from Allah, and his habitation will be hell, a hapless journey's end."
Quran 8:39 - "And fight with them until there is no more persecution and religion should be only for Allah"
Quran 8:57 - "If thou comest on them in the war, deal with them so as to strike fear in those who are behind them, that haply they may remember."
Quran 8:59-60 - "And let not those who disbelieve suppose that they can outstrip (Allah's Purpose). Lo! they cannot escape. Make ready for them all thou canst of force and of horses tethered, that thereby
ye may dismay the enemy of Allah and your enemy."
Quran 8:65 - "O Prophet! Exhort the believers to fight. If there be of you twenty steadfast they shall overcome two hundred, and if there be of you a hundred steadfast they shall overcome a thousand of those who disbelieve, because they the disbelievers are a folk without intelligence."
Quran 9:5 - "So when the sacred months have passed away, then slay the idolaters wherever you find them, and take them captives and besiege them and lie in wait for them in every ambush, then if they repent and
keep up prayer and pay the poor-rate, leave their way free to them."
Quran 9:14 - "You shall fight them, for Allah will punish them at your hands, humiliate them, grant you victory over them, and cool the chests of the believers.
Quran 9:20 - "Those who believe, and have left their homes and striven with their wealth and their lives in Allah's way are of much greater worth in Allah's sight. These are they who are triumphant."
Quran 9:29 - "Fight those who believe not in Allah nor the Last Day, nor hold that forbidden which hath been forbidden by Allah and His Messenger, nor acknowledge the religion of Truth, (even if they are)
of the People of the Book, until they pay the Jizya with willing submission, and feel themselves subdued."
Quran 9:30 - "And the Jews say: Ezra is the son of Allah; and the Christians say: The Messiah is the son of Allah; these are the words of their mouths; they imitate the saying of those who disbelieved before; may Allah destroy them; how they are turned away!"
Quran 9:38-39 - "O ye who believe! what is the matter with you, that, when ye are asked to go forth in the cause of Allah, ye cling heavily to the earth? Do ye prefer the life of this world to the Hereafter? But little is the comfort of this life, as compared with the Hereafter. Unless ye go forth, He will punish you with a grievous penalty, and put others in your place."
Quran 9:41 - "Go forth, light-armed and heavy-armed, and strive with your wealth and your lives in the way of Allah! That is best for you if ye but knew."
Quran 9:42 - "If there had been immediate gain (in sight), and the journey easy, they would (all) without doubt have followed thee, but the distance was long, (and weighed) on them"
Quran 9:73 - "O Prophet! strive hard against the unbelievers and the hypocrites and be unyielding to them; and their abode is hell, and evil is the destination."
Quran 9:88 - "But the Messenger, and those who believe with him, strive and fight with their wealth and their persons: for them are good things: and it is they who will prosper."
Quran 9:111 - "Allah hath purchased of the believers their persons and their goods; for theirs (in return) is the garden (of Paradise): they fight in His cause, and slay and are slain: a promise binding on Him in truth, through the Law, the Gospel, and the Quran: and who is more faithful to his covenant than Allah? then rejoice in the bargain which ye have concluded: that is the achievement supreme."
Quran 9:123 - "O you who believe! fight those of the unbelievers who are near to you and let them find in you hardness."
Quran 21:44 - "We gave the good things of this life to these men and their fathers until the period grew long for them; See they not that We gradually reduce the land (in their control) from its outlying borders? Is it then they who will win?"
Quran 25:52 - "So do not obey the disbelievers, and strive against them with the Qur'an a great striving."
Quran 33:60-62 - "If the hypocrites, and those in whose hearts is a disease, and the alarmists in the city do not cease, We verily shall urge thee on against them, then they will be your neighbors in it but a little while. Accursed, they will be seized wherever found and slain with a (fierce) slaughter."
Quran 47:3-4 - "Those who reject Allah follow vanities, while those who believe follow the truth from their lord. Thus does Allah set forth form men their lessons by similtudes. Therefore when you meet
in battle those who disbelieve, then smite the necks until when you have overcome them, then make (them) prisoners... But if it had been Allah's Will, He could certainly have exacted retribution from them (Himself); but in order to test you, some with others. But those who are slain in the Way of Allah,- He
will never let their deeds be lost."
Quran 47:35 - "Be not weary and faint-hearted, crying for peace, when ye should be uppermost for Allah is
with you,"
Quran 48:17 - "There is no blame for the blind, nor is there blame for the lame, nor is there blame for the sick. And whoso obeyeth Allah and His messenger, He will make him enter Gardens underneath which rivers flow; and whoso turneth back, him will He punish with a painful doom."
Quran 48:29 - "Muhammad is the messenger of Allah. And those with him are hard (ruthless) against the disbelievers and merciful among themselves" Islam is not about treating everyone equally. There are
two very distinct standards that are applied based on religious status.
Quran 61:4 - "Surely Allah loves those who fight in His way"
Quran 61:10-12 - "O ye who believe! Shall I lead you to a bargain that will save you from a grievous Penalty?- That ye believe in Allah and His Messenger, and that ye strive (your utmost) in the Cause of Allah, with your property and your persons: That will be best for you, if ye but knew! He will forgive you your sins, and admit you to Gardens beneath which Rivers flow, and to beautiful mansions in Gardens of
Eternity."
Quran 66:9 - "O Prophet! Strive against the disbelievers and the hypocrites, and be stern with them. Hell will be their home, a hapless journey's end."
From the Hadith:
Bukhari 52:177 - Allah's Apostle said, "The Hour will not be established until you fight with the Jews, and the stone behind which a Jew will be hiding will say. "O Muslim! There is a Jew hiding behind me, so kill him."
Bukhari 52:220 - Allah's Apostle said... 'I have been made victorious with terror.'
Abu Dawud 14:2526 - The Prophet said: Three things are the roots of faith: to refrain from (killing) a person who utters, "There is no god but Allah" and not to declare him unbeliever whatever sin he commits,
and not to excommunicate him from Islam for his any action; and jihad will be performed continuously since the day Allah sent me as a prophet until the day the last member of my community will fight with
the Dajjal (Antichrist).
Abu Dawud 14:2527 - The Prophet said: Striving in the path of Allah is incumbent on you along with every ruler, whether he is pious or impious.
Muslim 1:33 - the Messenger of Allah said: I have been commanded to fight against people till they testify that there is no god but Allah, that Muhammad is the messenger of Allah.
Bukhari 8:387 - Allah's Apostle said, "I have been ordered to fight the people till they say: 'None has the right to be worshipped but Allah.
Muslim 1:149 - "Abu Dharr reported: I said: Messenger of Allah, which of the deeds is the best? He (the Holy Prophet) replied: Belief in Allah and Jihad in His cause..."
Muslim 20:4645 - "...He (the Messenger of Allah) did that and said: There is another act which elevates the position of a man in Paradise to a grade one hundred , and the elevation between one grade and the
other is equal to the height of the heaven from the earth. He (Abu Sa'id) said: What is that act? He replied: Jihad in the way of Allah! Jihad in the way of Allah!"
Muslim 20:4696 - "the Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) said: 'One who died but did not fight in the way of Allah nor did he express any desire (or determination) for Jihid died the death of a hypocrite.'"
Muslim 19:4321-4323 - Three separate hadith in which Muhammad shrugs over the news that innocent children were killed in a raid by his men against unbelievers. His response: "They are of them (meaning the enemy)."
Muslim 7:97 The morning after the murder of Ashraf, the Prophet declared, "Kill any Jew who falls under your power." Ashraf was a poet, killed by Muhammad's men because he insulted Islam. Here, Muhammad widens the scope of his orders to kill. An innocent Jewish businessman was then slain by his Muslim partner, merely for being non-Muslim.
Tabari 9:69 "Killing Unbelievers is a small matter to us."
Ibn Ishaq: 327 - “Allah said, ‘A prophet must slaughter before collecting captives. A slaughtered enemy is driven from the land. Muhammad, you craved the desires of this world, its goods and the ransom captives would bring. But Allah desires killing them to manifest the religion.’”
Ibn Ishaq: 992 - "Fight everyone in the way of Allah and kill those who disbelieve in Allah."
On Women...
Quran- 4:15 “If any of your women are guilty of lewdness, take the evidence of four (reliable) witness from amongst you against them; if they testify, confine them to houses until death do claim them. Or God
ordain for them some (other) way.”
Quran-24:2 “The woman and the man guilty of adultery or fornication—flog each of them with hundred stripes: Let no compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by God, if ye believe in God and
the last day.”
Quran-17:32 “ Nor come nigh to adultery: for it is a shameful (deed) and an evil, opening the road (to other evils).
Quran-33:33 “stay quietly in your houses, and make not a dazzling display.”
Hmmm....
But remember it is the religion of peace.
To Fix the Economy...
1. Drop the federal income tax and replace it with a 8% national sales tax.
(Tax people only on what they spend and not what they make. Prior to WWII there was NO FEDERAL INCOME TAX yet the US thrived.)
2. Restrict Federal spending to 5% of GDP.
(This alone will start reducing the DEBT. Require that any surplus in revenue be spent on paying of the debt. The current GDP is $14.7 Trillion. 5% is $735 Billion. There is no need to be in more national debt than that.)
3. Freeze all Federal spending that requires deficit spending.
4. Freeze all unspent stimulus funds and TARP funds and put it into the debt payment.
5. Repeal Obamacare. (It will only drive up the cost of healthcare and not improve it, among other things.)
6. Eliminate all state and federal mandates on health insurance.
(Let the people decide what amount of healthcare insurance they wish to caring. We are a FREE people.)
7. Allow people to buy all forms of insurance across stateliness.
8. Outlaw all government unions. (Gov't employees work for the PEOPLE not themselves.)
9. Cut government employee pay to match the private sector.
(This includes their pension plans and their pension plans must come from their salaries. Require that all government pay increases be put to a public vote.)
10. Reduce state and federal employment by 50%. ("Need" not "Want" programs and personnel.)
11. Allow anyone under 45 to invest their Social Security in private sector accounts.
(In a generation or two SS will be a thing of the past.)
12. Allow Social Security to be given to next-of-kin after the person's death. (This floating, unclaimed money needs to be in circulation for the better of the economy. The gov't has no claim to it.)
13. Cut Medicare to zero for anyone with a net worth over $500,000 and/or annual retirement income over $100K.
(This alone will shore up Medicare. Only those over 45 today will be covered when they reach 65. The program ends after that.)
14. Eliminate the Federal Medicaid program all together.
(This is matter for the States.)
15. Eliminate all federal education funding including college funding.
(This is matter for the States.)
16. Eliminate all federal foreign aid for 5 years.
(Why are we borrowing money to give to other countries? They can borrow the money themselves and pay the interest, not the US.)
17. Eliminate federal funding of unemployment and limit State unemployment payments to 26 weeks, no extensions.
18. Eliminate all federal welfare programs. (These are matters for the States. This will also curb the flow of illegal immigrants coming for the free money.)
19. Pass an Amendment that requires that all members of Congress abide by all the rules, regulations, and restriction they impose on US citizens.
20. Eliminate the Congressional retirement and pension plan. They must invest in private sector retirement plans.
21. Eliminate Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
(The creators of the Housing crisis and today’s economy.)
22. Eliminate all automotive "standards"; emission standards, and safety standards. Simply require a detailed readout of the standards and specs each vehicle has.
(Without all those standards there is no need for all the federal employees to enforce them. Let a Free American public decide what safety, mileage, and emission options they wish to buy on a car.)
23. Eliminate all financial regulation, banking regulation, and trade regulation.
(Without the regulations there is no need for all the federal employees to enforce them. The general populace doesn't need "know it all" federal employees thinking for them in this free-market economy.)
24. Charge a $20 flat fee day use for anyone visiting or using a state or federal park to pay for the parks' upkeep and employees.
25. Eliminate the option to campaign or run for office with the promise to increase anyone's (especially gov't employees') paychecks or funding for programs unless it is coming from their own pockets, not the tax those of the payers.
26. All gov't employees pay their own medical expenses and have the same plan options as everyone else.
27. Give power taken from the states by the Federal gov't back to the states.
28. Stop Federal funding for private programs such as Planned Parenthood and allow states that wish to continue its (and others) services to fund it within that state and/or each county. (The states do not need Federal micromanaging.)
29. No Death or Inheritance Taxes. (This is a double tax on things that were already taxed. The State Federal gov'ts has no business here.)
(Tax people only on what they spend and not what they make. Prior to WWII there was NO FEDERAL INCOME TAX yet the US thrived.)
2. Restrict Federal spending to 5% of GDP.
(This alone will start reducing the DEBT. Require that any surplus in revenue be spent on paying of the debt. The current GDP is $14.7 Trillion. 5% is $735 Billion. There is no need to be in more national debt than that.)
3. Freeze all Federal spending that requires deficit spending.
4. Freeze all unspent stimulus funds and TARP funds and put it into the debt payment.
5. Repeal Obamacare. (It will only drive up the cost of healthcare and not improve it, among other things.)
6. Eliminate all state and federal mandates on health insurance.
(Let the people decide what amount of healthcare insurance they wish to caring. We are a FREE people.)
7. Allow people to buy all forms of insurance across stateliness.
8. Outlaw all government unions. (Gov't employees work for the PEOPLE not themselves.)
9. Cut government employee pay to match the private sector.
(This includes their pension plans and their pension plans must come from their salaries. Require that all government pay increases be put to a public vote.)
10. Reduce state and federal employment by 50%. ("Need" not "Want" programs and personnel.)
11. Allow anyone under 45 to invest their Social Security in private sector accounts.
(In a generation or two SS will be a thing of the past.)
12. Allow Social Security to be given to next-of-kin after the person's death. (This floating, unclaimed money needs to be in circulation for the better of the economy. The gov't has no claim to it.)
13. Cut Medicare to zero for anyone with a net worth over $500,000 and/or annual retirement income over $100K.
(This alone will shore up Medicare. Only those over 45 today will be covered when they reach 65. The program ends after that.)
14. Eliminate the Federal Medicaid program all together.
(This is matter for the States.)
15. Eliminate all federal education funding including college funding.
(This is matter for the States.)
16. Eliminate all federal foreign aid for 5 years.
(Why are we borrowing money to give to other countries? They can borrow the money themselves and pay the interest, not the US.)
17. Eliminate federal funding of unemployment and limit State unemployment payments to 26 weeks, no extensions.
18. Eliminate all federal welfare programs. (These are matters for the States. This will also curb the flow of illegal immigrants coming for the free money.)
19. Pass an Amendment that requires that all members of Congress abide by all the rules, regulations, and restriction they impose on US citizens.
20. Eliminate the Congressional retirement and pension plan. They must invest in private sector retirement plans.
21. Eliminate Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
(The creators of the Housing crisis and today’s economy.)
22. Eliminate all automotive "standards"; emission standards, and safety standards. Simply require a detailed readout of the standards and specs each vehicle has.
(Without all those standards there is no need for all the federal employees to enforce them. Let a Free American public decide what safety, mileage, and emission options they wish to buy on a car.)
23. Eliminate all financial regulation, banking regulation, and trade regulation.
(Without the regulations there is no need for all the federal employees to enforce them. The general populace doesn't need "know it all" federal employees thinking for them in this free-market economy.)
24. Charge a $20 flat fee day use for anyone visiting or using a state or federal park to pay for the parks' upkeep and employees.
25. Eliminate the option to campaign or run for office with the promise to increase anyone's (especially gov't employees') paychecks or funding for programs unless it is coming from their own pockets, not the tax those of the payers.
26. All gov't employees pay their own medical expenses and have the same plan options as everyone else.
27. Give power taken from the states by the Federal gov't back to the states.
28. Stop Federal funding for private programs such as Planned Parenthood and allow states that wish to continue its (and others) services to fund it within that state and/or each county. (The states do not need Federal micromanaging.)
29. No Death or Inheritance Taxes. (This is a double tax on things that were already taxed. The State Federal gov'ts has no business here.)
"Separation of Church and State"
The "separation of church and state" is nowhere located in the Constitution or ANY legal document. It was in a letter from Thomas Jefferson to the Dansbury Baptists as follows:
"To messers. Nehemiah Dodge, Ephraim Robbins, & Stephen S. Nelson, a committee of the Danbury Baptist association in the state of Connecticut.
Gentlemen
The affectionate sentiments of esteem and approbation which you are so good as to express towards me, on behalf of the Danbury Baptist association, give me the highest satisfaction. my duties dictate a faithful and zealous pursuit of the interests of my constituents, & in proportion as they are persuaded of my fidelity to those duties, the discharge of them becomes more and more pleasing.
Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between Man & his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should "make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof," thus building a wall of separation between Church & State. Adhering to this expression of the supreme will of the nation in behalf of the rights of conscience, I shall see with sincere satisfaction the progress of those sentiments which tend to restore to man all his natural rights, convinced he has no natural right in opposition to his social duties.
I reciprocate your kind prayers for the protection & blessing of the common father and creator of man, and tender you for yourselves & your religious association, assurances of my high respect & esteem.
Th Jefferson
Jan. 1. 1802."
Note the "Adhering to this expression of the supreme will of the nation in behalf of the rights of conscience..." comment. The supreme will of the nation is NOT the supreme law of the nation as it is currently understood, but rather the actual will by public opinion which is much more lenient than the law is.
It would seem that many if not most people do not understand the concept and difference of Separation and Congressional neutrality.
Look it up!
"To messers. Nehemiah Dodge, Ephraim Robbins, & Stephen S. Nelson, a committee of the Danbury Baptist association in the state of Connecticut.
Gentlemen
The affectionate sentiments of esteem and approbation which you are so good as to express towards me, on behalf of the Danbury Baptist association, give me the highest satisfaction. my duties dictate a faithful and zealous pursuit of the interests of my constituents, & in proportion as they are persuaded of my fidelity to those duties, the discharge of them becomes more and more pleasing.
Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between Man & his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should "make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof," thus building a wall of separation between Church & State. Adhering to this expression of the supreme will of the nation in behalf of the rights of conscience, I shall see with sincere satisfaction the progress of those sentiments which tend to restore to man all his natural rights, convinced he has no natural right in opposition to his social duties.
I reciprocate your kind prayers for the protection & blessing of the common father and creator of man, and tender you for yourselves & your religious association, assurances of my high respect & esteem.
Th Jefferson
Jan. 1. 1802."
Note the "Adhering to this expression of the supreme will of the nation in behalf of the rights of conscience..." comment. The supreme will of the nation is NOT the supreme law of the nation as it is currently understood, but rather the actual will by public opinion which is much more lenient than the law is.
It would seem that many if not most people do not understand the concept and difference of Separation and Congressional neutrality.
Look it up!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Chuck Norris Jokes
*NOTE: Some of these jokes have duplicates or slightly differ in the telling. It was a chain email I received. I typically delete them, but WWCND (What Would Chuck Norris Do)?
#Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
#There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
#Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
#The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
#There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
#Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
#The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
#Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
#Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting. The word hunt implies the possibility of failure. CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.
# When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
# Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
# Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
# There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
# When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
# Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
# A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
# When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
# Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
# Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
# How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
# Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
# In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
# Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
# If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
# Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
# The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
# A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
# Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a
Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
# Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
# When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
# While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
# Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
# When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
# When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
# Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
# Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
# For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
# Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
# When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
# Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
# When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
# Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
# On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
# Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
# In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
# Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
# Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
# Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
# Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
# Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
# If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
# Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
# Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Cesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his Monther's womb.
# Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
# The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
# It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
# You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
# Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
# The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
# There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
# Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
# When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
# Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
# James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
# Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer
# Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decedents now have white hair.
# Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
# It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
# Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
# Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
# Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
# Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
# When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
# Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
# A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
# Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
# There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.
# Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
# Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
# Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
# Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
# Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
# Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
# Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
# Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
# Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
# The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
# Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
# If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
# Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
# The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
# Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
# The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
# Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
# Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
# The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
# Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.
# Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
# There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
# A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
# It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
# Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
# Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
# Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
# Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
# Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
# The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
# Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
# Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
# Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
# Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"
# Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
# Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
# 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
# Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
# When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
# According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
# Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
# In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
# Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
# When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
# Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
# Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
# If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
# If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
# Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
# Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.
# MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
# Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
# What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
# Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
# The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
# There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
# Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.
# The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
# Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
# The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
# Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
# Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
# When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.
# On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
# Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
# Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
# Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
# Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
# It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
# Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
# It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
# Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
# That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
# Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
# Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
# Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
# Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
# As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
# Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
# Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
# Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
# Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
# It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
# Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
# Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
# Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
# When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
# Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
# "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
# Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
# Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
# Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
# Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
# Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
# When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.
# Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
# Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
# Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
# Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
# Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
# If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
# In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
# Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
# Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
# Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
# The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
# Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
# Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.
# Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
# The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
# For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
# Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
# Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
# Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.
# Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
# Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
# How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
# The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
# When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
# If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.
# Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.
# Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.
# Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
# The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.
# Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".
# The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
# Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
# Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
# He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
# The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
# The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
# Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.
# Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
# Chuck Norris can taste lies.
# Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
# One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
# Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
# In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.
# Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
# They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.
# Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
# Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
# 4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
# Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
# The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
# Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
# With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
# The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
# chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.
# To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
# There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
# If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
# 70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.
# Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.
# The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.
# Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
# Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
# Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver.
# MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.
# Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.
# Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
# The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
# It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
# Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
# Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
# Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.
# When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
# Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
# 182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
# Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
# All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.
# If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.
# July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.
# Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
# In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"
# Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
# If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
# In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I
saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.
# The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
# When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
# Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
# Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
# Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
# As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.
# Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
# Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".
# There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
# President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
# Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
# Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
# Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
# Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
# Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
# The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
# Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
# A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
# Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
# Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.
# Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.
# Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
# When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.
# Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
# Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
# There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
# A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
# Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
# In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
# Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
# Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
# For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
# In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
# We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
# The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.
# Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.
# The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.
# Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
# Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.
# Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.
# Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
# When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
# Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
# Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.
# If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
# Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
# Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
# A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.
# Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
# They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
# Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.
# "Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.
# Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.
# After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive.
He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
# Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.
# When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that
is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.
# There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
# Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.
# The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
# Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
# Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.
# Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
# The Drummer for Def Leopard’s only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.
# Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.
# Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.
# Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in
between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.
# For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.
# The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.
# Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.
# Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.
# TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.
# After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.
# Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.
# "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.
# Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to
attack him.
# Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
# When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.
# Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.
# In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.
# They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
# There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
# One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.
# Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.
# Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as
follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
# Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.
# The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.
# Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
# The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.
# Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
# Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
# The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
# When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
# Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
# Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
# Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.
# The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
# Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
# Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.
# Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
# Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
# They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library, with a Roundhouse Kick."
# A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
# Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
# In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
# Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
# "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
# Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.
# Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
# In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
# Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
# When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.
# Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".
# Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then
roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
# Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
# Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
# Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. Chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
# Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity; he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
# Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
# Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the Richter Scale.
# Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
# Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
# For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.
# Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.
# Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.
# Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.
# Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
# For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.
# There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.
# During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
# Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.
# Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.
# Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.
# Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.
# Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.
# The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
# Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener; he just chews through the can.
# Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie.
# Chuck Norris needs a monkey wrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
# Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.
# Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
# Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.
# If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.
# Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
# He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
# Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
# Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
# Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whiskey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain, lots of pain.
# Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
# Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
# Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
# People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
# Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
# When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
# Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it Chuck Norrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.
# Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
# Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
# Chuck Norris successfully separated twins conjoined at the head by round house kicking them in the face.
# Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.
# People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply...Chuck Norris
# Chuck Norris wears Orion's Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.
# Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.
# Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.
# Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir Beat down.
# Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.
# In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.
# Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.
# Chuck Norris doesn’t go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris
# Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.
# Before sliced bread, people used to say "That’s the greatest thing since Chuck Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.
# Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.
# The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away
# Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.
# There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
# Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.
# There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.
# Earth's emergency defense plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down
# Chuck Norris can split the atom, with his bare hands.
# On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000
# The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris
# When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame
# Chuck Norris doesn’t use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.
# When Chuck Norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly. Including this one
# You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you’re Chuck Norris
# No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.
# Chuck Norris is '' The best a man can get ''
# On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.
# Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".
# Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
# Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".
# Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.
# Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!
# Chuck Norris doesn't open a can of whoopass. He makes his own.
# Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.
# Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.
# The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.
# The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.
# The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.
# When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.
# In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.
# When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the fuck above the horizon.
# The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.
# Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.
# Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.
# When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.
# Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
# Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.
# Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.
# Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.
# Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
# If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare.
# Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
# Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.
# The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
# Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
# Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.
# Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.
# Chuck Norris makes onions CRY!!!
# Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead.
# When Chuck Norris sneezes, he doesn't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!".
That's what happens next.
# Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.
# Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.
# We don't need Homeland Security. We have Chuck Norris.
# When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.
# Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.
# Chuck Norris uses redhot lava to moisturize his skin.
# Chuck Norris invented the apple.
# Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade.
# Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.
# Chuck Norris does not have chest hair, he has millions of highly venomous nematocysts. You have virtually no chance of surviving the venomous sting, unless treated immediately. The pain is so excruciating and overwhelming that you would most likely go into shock and collapse a split second before getting hit in the face with a roundhouse kick.
# Chuck Norris can chug a gallon of milk and not throw up.
# Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.
# If you get roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in your dream, you DIE!
# Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.
# Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.
# Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.
# Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.
# P is for Chuck Norris, as is every other letter of the alphabet.
# Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.
# Chuck Norris' paradise is war.
# Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis.
# Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised… EVER.
# Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.
# Chuck Norris can lick his own elbows at the same time.
# Chuck Norris can kick start a car.
# Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
# Chuck Norris wrote an autobiography....it was just a list of everyone he has killed.
# Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives
will feel it.
# Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.
# As seen in Sidekicks, Chuck Norris can climb a rope with one hand, and one hand only.
# Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat.
# Chuck Norris can MAKE water run uphill.
# Chuck Norris can hold Puff Daddy down.
# The moon is actually a comet that was once on course to hit earth... then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it into orbit.
# Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.
# Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully load gun and won.
# The only reason the color pink still exists is because Chuck Norris is color blind.
# Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
# Chuck Norris isn't afraid of Urban Legends, he is an Urban Legend.
# Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf using a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sun dried tomato. He shot a 54.
# On the Asian market, Chuck Norris' urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce.
# See Spot. See Spot run. See spot get round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.
# Niagra Falls is the result of one of Chuck's legendary cannon balls.
# Chuck Norris sneezes electricity.
# Chuck Norris performs colonoscopies on himself.
# If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces.
# Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life.
# Chuck Norris jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.
# Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident....and still managed to walk it off.
# Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.
# Chuck Norris invented the corndog.
# The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris' agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.
# Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
# Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
# Chuck Norris belives the hype.
# Chuck Norris CAN in fact stop the beat.
# When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
# When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.
# Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.
# Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the U.S. Postal Service and the Pony Express have combined for the last 146 years.
# Chuck Norris wasn't born with feet, just boots.
# Chuck Norris won a pissing contest against a Russian race horse.
# When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.
# Chuck Norris floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile at mach 3 in the face.
# Chuck Norris can dribble a football.
# Chuck Norris’ IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight
# Chuck Norris is a stunt double for Optimus Prime.
# Chuck Norris was once asked to repeat himself. The last thing that person ever heard
was the whooshing sound of a roundhouse kick.
# Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
# Chuck Norris had his tonsils removed with a chainsaw.
# Chuck Norris digs graves with a shoe horn.
#Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
#There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
#Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
#The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
#There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
#Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
#The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
#Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
#Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting. The word hunt implies the possibility of failure. CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.
# When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
# Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
# Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
# There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
# When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
# Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
# A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
# When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
# Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
# Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
# How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
# Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
# In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
# Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
# If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
# Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
# The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
# A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
# Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a
Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
# Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
# When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
# While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
# Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
# When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
# When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
# Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
# Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
# For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
# Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
# When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
# Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
# When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
# Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
# On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
# Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
# In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
# Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
# Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
# Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
# Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
# Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
# If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
# Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
# Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Cesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his Monther's womb.
# Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
# The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
# It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
# You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
# Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
# The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
# There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
# Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
# When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
# Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
# James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
# Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer
# Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decedents now have white hair.
# Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
# It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
# Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
# Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
# Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
# Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
# When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
# Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
# A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
# Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
# There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.
# Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
# Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
# Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
# Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
# Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
# Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
# Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
# Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
# Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
# The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
# Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
# If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
# Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
# The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
# Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
# The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
# Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
# Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
# The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
# Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.
# Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
# There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
# A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
# It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
# Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
# Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
# Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
# Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
# Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
# The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
# Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
# Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
# Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
# Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"
# Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
# Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
# 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
# Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
# When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
# According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
# Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
# In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
# Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
# When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
# Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
# Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
# If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
# If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
# Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
# Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.
# MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
# Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
# What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
# Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
# The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
# There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
# Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.
# The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
# Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
# The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
# Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
# Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
# When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.
# On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
# Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
# Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
# Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
# Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
# It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
# Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
# It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
# Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
# That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
# Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
# Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
# Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
# Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
# As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
# Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
# Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
# Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
# Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
# It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
# Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
# Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
# Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
# When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
# Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
# "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
# Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
# Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
# Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
# Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
# Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
# When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.
# Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
# Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
# Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
# Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
# Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
# If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
# In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
# Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
# Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
# Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
# The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
# Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
# Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.
# Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
# The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
# For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
# Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
# Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
# Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.
# Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
# Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
# How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
# The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
# When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
# If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.
# Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.
# Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.
# Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
# The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.
# Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".
# The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
# Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
# Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
# He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
# The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
# The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
# Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.
# Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
# Chuck Norris can taste lies.
# Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
# One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
# Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
# In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.
# Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
# They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.
# Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
# Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
# 4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
# Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
# The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
# Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
# With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
# The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
# chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.
# To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
# There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
# If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
# 70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.
# Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.
# The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.
# Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
# Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
# Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver.
# MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.
# Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.
# Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
# The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
# It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
# Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
# Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
# Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.
# When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
# Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
# 182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
# Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
# All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.
# If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.
# July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.
# Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
# In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"
# Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
# If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
# In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I
saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.
# The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
# When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
# Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
# Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
# Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
# As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.
# Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
# Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".
# There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
# President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
# Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
# Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
# Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
# Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
# Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
# The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
# Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
# A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
# Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
# Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.
# Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.
# Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
# When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.
# Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
# Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
# There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
# A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
# Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
# In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
# Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
# Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
# For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
# In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
# We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
# The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.
# Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.
# The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.
# Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
# Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.
# Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.
# Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
# When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
# Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
# Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.
# If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
# Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
# Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
# A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.
# Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
# They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
# Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.
# "Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.
# Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.
# After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive.
He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
# Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.
# When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that
is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.
# There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
# Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.
# The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
# Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
# Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.
# Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
# The Drummer for Def Leopard’s only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.
# Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.
# Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.
# Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in
between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.
# For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.
# The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.
# Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.
# Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.
# TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.
# After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.
# Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.
# "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.
# Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to
attack him.
# Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
# When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.
# Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.
# In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.
# They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
# There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
# One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.
# Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.
# Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as
follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
# Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.
# The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.
# Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
# The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.
# Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
# Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
# The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
# When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
# Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
# Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
# Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.
# The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
# Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
# Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.
# Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
# Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
# They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library, with a Roundhouse Kick."
# A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
# Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
# In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
# Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
# "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
# Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.
# Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
# In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
# Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
# When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.
# Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".
# Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then
roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
# Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
# Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
# Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. Chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
# Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity; he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
# Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
# Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the Richter Scale.
# Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
# Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
# For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.
# Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.
# Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.
# Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.
# Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
# For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.
# There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.
# During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
# Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.
# Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.
# Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.
# Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.
# Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.
# The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
# Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener; he just chews through the can.
# Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie.
# Chuck Norris needs a monkey wrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
# Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.
# Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
# Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.
# If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.
# Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
# He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
# Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
# Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
# Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whiskey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain, lots of pain.
# Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
# Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
# Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
# People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
# Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
# When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
# Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it Chuck Norrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.
# Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
# Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
# Chuck Norris successfully separated twins conjoined at the head by round house kicking them in the face.
# Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.
# People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply...Chuck Norris
# Chuck Norris wears Orion's Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.
# Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.
# Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.
# Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir Beat down.
# Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.
# In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.
# Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.
# Chuck Norris doesn’t go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris
# Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.
# Before sliced bread, people used to say "That’s the greatest thing since Chuck Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.
# Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.
# The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away
# Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.
# There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
# Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.
# There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.
# Earth's emergency defense plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down
# Chuck Norris can split the atom, with his bare hands.
# On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000
# The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris
# When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame
# Chuck Norris doesn’t use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.
# When Chuck Norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly. Including this one
# You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you’re Chuck Norris
# No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.
# Chuck Norris is '' The best a man can get ''
# On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.
# Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".
# Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
# Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".
# Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.
# Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!
# Chuck Norris doesn't open a can of whoopass. He makes his own.
# Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.
# Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.
# The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.
# The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.
# The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.
# When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.
# In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.
# When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the fuck above the horizon.
# The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.
# Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.
# Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.
# When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.
# Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
# Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.
# Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.
# Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.
# Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
# If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare.
# Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
# Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.
# The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
# Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
# Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.
# Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.
# Chuck Norris makes onions CRY!!!
# Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead.
# When Chuck Norris sneezes, he doesn't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!".
That's what happens next.
# Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.
# Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.
# We don't need Homeland Security. We have Chuck Norris.
# When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.
# Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.
# Chuck Norris uses redhot lava to moisturize his skin.
# Chuck Norris invented the apple.
# Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade.
# Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.
# Chuck Norris does not have chest hair, he has millions of highly venomous nematocysts. You have virtually no chance of surviving the venomous sting, unless treated immediately. The pain is so excruciating and overwhelming that you would most likely go into shock and collapse a split second before getting hit in the face with a roundhouse kick.
# Chuck Norris can chug a gallon of milk and not throw up.
# Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.
# If you get roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in your dream, you DIE!
# Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.
# Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.
# Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.
# Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.
# P is for Chuck Norris, as is every other letter of the alphabet.
# Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.
# Chuck Norris' paradise is war.
# Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis.
# Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised… EVER.
# Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.
# Chuck Norris can lick his own elbows at the same time.
# Chuck Norris can kick start a car.
# Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
# Chuck Norris wrote an autobiography....it was just a list of everyone he has killed.
# Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives
will feel it.
# Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.
# As seen in Sidekicks, Chuck Norris can climb a rope with one hand, and one hand only.
# Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat.
# Chuck Norris can MAKE water run uphill.
# Chuck Norris can hold Puff Daddy down.
# The moon is actually a comet that was once on course to hit earth... then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it into orbit.
# Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.
# Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully load gun and won.
# The only reason the color pink still exists is because Chuck Norris is color blind.
# Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
# Chuck Norris isn't afraid of Urban Legends, he is an Urban Legend.
# Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf using a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sun dried tomato. He shot a 54.
# On the Asian market, Chuck Norris' urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce.
# See Spot. See Spot run. See spot get round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.
# Niagra Falls is the result of one of Chuck's legendary cannon balls.
# Chuck Norris sneezes electricity.
# Chuck Norris performs colonoscopies on himself.
# If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces.
# Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life.
# Chuck Norris jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.
# Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident....and still managed to walk it off.
# Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.
# Chuck Norris invented the corndog.
# The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris' agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.
# Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
# Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
# Chuck Norris belives the hype.
# Chuck Norris CAN in fact stop the beat.
# When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
# When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.
# Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.
# Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the U.S. Postal Service and the Pony Express have combined for the last 146 years.
# Chuck Norris wasn't born with feet, just boots.
# Chuck Norris won a pissing contest against a Russian race horse.
# When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.
# Chuck Norris floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile at mach 3 in the face.
# Chuck Norris can dribble a football.
# Chuck Norris’ IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight
# Chuck Norris is a stunt double for Optimus Prime.
# Chuck Norris was once asked to repeat himself. The last thing that person ever heard
was the whooshing sound of a roundhouse kick.
# Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
# Chuck Norris had his tonsils removed with a chainsaw.
# Chuck Norris digs graves with a shoe horn.
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